Still going.


My blog. My dear friend. I have missed you so much. I lost track of time and it slipped right through my fingers. Three whole months slipped right through my fingers. I don't know how this happens, but I've heard it only gets worse as we get older, which is terrifying. Since I've moved to Indianapolis and settled into my apartment and started working, trying to find time to write was the last priority. The hiatus ends today! And it's real because I'm proclaiming it on the Internet! Working full time is exhausting (surprise), going to the gym every day is exhausting (surprise), making dinner is exhausting (if you're trying to be mindful and healthy about it). Watching Game of Thrones is emotionally exhausting (I'm on season three. DO NOT SPOIL IT). So I have been starving for more time to think and to write. I'm quickly realizing that if I want time to do those things, I'm going to have to make time. Surprise.

To put it simply, this past month was hard. It was challenging and overwhelming and emotionally draining. I cried a lot and complained a lot more. Moving to a new city while my closest friends stayed in Cincinnati and Columbus sucked. Moving away from my family sucked. Having no friends in Indianapolis sucked. Starting post-grad life with yet another internship instead of a real job offer sucked.

On my first day of work, I couldn't find my car in the parking garage, I got stuck in the worst traffic I've experienced this entire month, Google Maps kept taking me to different back roads in an area I was totally unfamiliar with, and Indiana drivers are assholes. I came home and cried and cursed the city of Indianapolis and wanted to pack my things and move back to Ohio.

Sure, it was dramatic. But nothing can really prepare you for the onslaught of feelings you'll experience once you're thrown into a reality you've never known before. I have tried every single day to enjoy where I am right now. There will be days where I genuinely feel content -- like I am starting to love this new city and new life. And some days are harder than others. The days where I feel like I've taken two steps back and then fallen down a flight of stairs. Dealing with adjustment. That's exhausting.

Through all of this, I've struggled with living up to my own expectations regarding the kind of friend, fiancee and person I should be. I've been impatient and quick to anger, I've been selfish and narrow-minded, and I've been hosting too many pity parties for myself.

But I've also been supported and encouraged. I've been loved unrelentingly when I didn't believe I deserved it. That is the kind of love that keeps people going.

So I'm going to keep going. I'm going to write even when I don't want to. I'm going to open my bible even when I don't want to. I'm going to love people even when I don't want to. I'm going to stop making excuses and start making time.