This is a messy blog post.
*DISCLAIMER: This is a messy blog post. I'm sharing it anyway.*
I am a stubborn pessimist.
I purposely dig out any ounce of negativity I can find in a situation or conflict. I hold onto it and refuse to let it go and I'm blinded to all reasoning. Well, I see the reasoning. But I also see that I'm being unreasonable, and I see that the logical and correct reasoning is so far from where I stand that I get angry and embarrassed by my stupidity. It's a pretty destructive form of cognitive dissonance.
I am also horribly selfish.
I take offense even when there is none to take. I play victim when I'm the one who did the hurting. Externally, I have pretty high self-esteem, but internally I struggle to find self-worth. The thing is, I know where our self-worth is. It's in a God whose story and religion I struggle to completely buy into. Maybe that's why I can't find it. There are times when I'm deafened by discouraging voices and tormented by insecurities of being inadequate.
I seriously considered deleting everything I just wrote before this, because what normal person would openly share that kind of stuff with the world? I certainly don't want to share that stuff with the world, but as part of my mission to live a more vulnerable life, I decided not to delete any of it.
It's weird and uncomfortable to tell people about your faults. I think it's even more uncomfortable, though, to tell yourself about your faults. It's no fun to look at yourself and address where you fall short as a human being. But that's the only way we get better.
I wrote all of those things about myself one night after realizing that sometimes I'm too dependent on Isaac for the approval and love that I need. I expect too much and have found that my self-centeredness is the root of a lot of unnecessary shit -- for lack of a better word. But confronting these faults made me see the importance of understanding that he's only human -- like me, as evidenced by everything I've shared up to this point. I can't expect him to love me perfectly, because we all know that I almost never do the same for him.
It's selfish to expect your partner to earn his or her worthiness of your love. It's not a matter of earning it -- the love should be there regardless. That's what "unconditional" means. There isn't a certain number of romantic gestures that must be done. There isn't a quota that needs to be met. There's no benchmark to use to measure your success. There's nothing that a person needs to do to deserve love. It should already be completely theirs.
Word on the street is that this is how God loves. People can deny and reject him their entire lives and he still loves them, regardless of whether they deserve it. He just does. There's nothing they could do -- no harm they could cause, no mistake they could make -- that would make him say, "Alright that's it. No more love for you! K bye!" He's still going to give love even though he's not getting anything in return.
At the same time, I feel like there are people who try so hard to earn God's love. They'll pray and read the Bible and go to church every Sunday and get their favorite Bible verses tattooed on their skin. It's like they need to prove how Christian they are to make sure they're worthy enough. All of those things are great, but they don't earn you more love from God than the people who don't do them as often (or don't do them at all).
Personally, I spend too much time questioning love when I don't see it in action. And I think that's why my personal journey with faith, religion and God has felt like such an uphill battle. I know and read about how God's love works and I admire it, but I don't know if I've never felt it. It has always seemed like this arbitrary, abstract idea. Regardless, I aspire to one day be able to love that selflessly -- to keep giving out love even when I don't get anything in return. I'm a long way away from that point, and the journey to get there (marriage) is probably going to pan out something like the Lord of the Rings trilogy.
I don't know. I honestly don't know where I was going with this post, but I needed to get all of this out there.
If you made it this far, thank you for taking the time to listen.